timing + more good blogs

I got a great comment from a reader asking why I left my postdoc before I had secured another job. I've often asked myself whether that was a good decision, especially since not having any structure to my days generally makes me unhappy. There were two very good reasons why I left when I did: I was going crazy; and I could.

The first reason is one that I've talked about before. Though I'd toyed with the idea of leaving graduate school, my emotional sunk costs were high enough that it was worth sticking it out and getting the degree. My work environment as a student was pleasant in that I had a wonderful group of friends around me. As a postdoc, I no longer had that nice social workplace, and I no longer had interest in my research. Going to work each morning involved an internal battle between emotion and obligation. And by about 4pm each day, emotion won out and I'd come home. A lot of things came crashing down at once: I was living in a strange new place, I didn't know anyone, my building was like a prison, and my research seemed worthless.

I thought a lot about whether research had to be this way. Perhaps if I'd really sunk my teeth into new research projects I would have enjoyed going to work more -- and, looking back, I sometimes think I should have tried a little harder to get new projects going. I also considered changing research directions so that I was working on something that I found more engaging. This would have involved finding another university and advisor to host me as well as transferring my fellowship to another university. While I spent many days and weeks pondering these options, in my heart I knew I wanted to cut bait.

What I ended up doing was giving myself a set date for leaving my postdoc. If I'd found another job by then, great! But if not, I'd leave anyway. I set that date about three months in advance and spent that time applying for jobs and learning some new skills that I thought might make me more marketable. When the three months were up, I didn't have a new job, but I did have two interviews lined up in the town I was moving to.

The other reason that I left when I did was that I could. The numbers for the percentage of Americans who report being satisfied with their jobs are all over the map, but I think it's safe to say that there are plenty of people out there who either detest or simply tolerate their jobs for the sake of having an income. I certainly could have just joined their jolly lot and kept getting a paycheck, but I fortunately didn't have to.

I was raised to believe that women shouldn't be dependent upon men for, well, anything, but money especially. My boyfriend knew that I didn't have the money to quit my job and continue paying my half of the rent for more than a few months. And while I didn't want to mooch off of him indefinitely, I also didn't want my extended job misery to affect our relationship. So he offered to pick up the tab for a while, and I gratefully accepted.

Had I known that that tab was going to accrue for as long as it did, I probably have stayed in my postdoc longer. But the interviews I had lined up had made me very hopeful. During my time of unemployment, my boyfriend and I developed a de facto division of labor: he worked and earned money while I did most of the cooking, cleaning, and reading of novels. Not a fair trade, by any means. But maybe someday he'll want to quit his job, and he can be the novel reader for a while. If that day comes, I'll be happy to pick up the tab.

Thanks to a comment left by DayByDay, I discovered a bunch of great blogs written by female scientists. Once I have a chance to read them a bit more, I'll add some to the blog roll. We're not alone, ladies.